Advice on Relationships: Trial Separations

You have seen it in movies, television, and have possibly experienced it yourself. The infamous hiatus or “trial separation” that rears its ugly head in some relationships. Although it may sound overused, it does have its benefits. If you ask, “can a trial separation fix my relationship?” then consider a few of the reasons for this type of separation.   

Why Do People Attempt Trial Separations? 

Understanding why people choose to voluntarily separation for a short period of time can help you decide if this is something that could save your relationship.  There are a number of reasons someone may feel this type of “relationship therapy” could be beneficial. One partner may desire a breakup, but feel the need to cling to the other person, perhaps out of fear. They are reluctant to officially sever the bond until they know it will work out well for them. Do not get caught in this sort of reasoning. You should never play back up for anyone. If you suspect this is the reason, perhaps an actual, permanent separation is required. 

Not all reasons are as self-centered. Perhaps your partner questions your devotion to the relationship. They may request a trial separation as a way to test your loyalty.  Be careful, although this may be a move in the opposite direction from the first reason does not mean it is necessarily healthy reasoning. They may be trying to muscle you into further commitment, such as marriage or having children. If there have been disagreement about the speed at which your relationship is moving prior to the trial separation, beware this could be the reason why.  

Another possible reason could be your partner desires some time and space to do something they feel they cannot do while with you. The first thing most people think of is dating; however, it may not be a desire for the intimate company of others. They may feel you have a troubled relationship because they do not have time to achieve goals, such as taking classes or some other self developing endeavor. If you feel this may be the case, discuss the time they feel they need and why. If you wish to save the relationship, you may need to consider you have been too clingy or time consuming. If it is a matter of dating or they simply want too much “free time,” then perhaps you are better off moving on to someone who desires something more serious. 

Save a Failing Relationship  

You have done your trial separation homework and decided it is worth the risk. Now, how do you go about actually separating? This can be difficult depending on your living situation and what your life together was like. If you live together, one of you may need to temporarily move out.  

If your partner initiated the trial separation, then you may have an even more difficult time handling life alone. Consider your own personal development, what things have you always wanted to learn or do?  Now is a great time to try your hand at a new skill.  If you prefer, donate your time to a good cause. Not only will you be too busy to lament, you will feel good about how you are spending your time. 

Finally, draw out very specific parameters for the trial separation. If you hope to have a successful relationship afterwards, make sure neither one of you does something that will possibly damage your chances at bettering the situation.  Set boundaries regarding what each of you can and cannot do. That way, there will be no complicated surprises when you discuss getting back together. 

A trial separation is not a guaranteed way to save a relationship. Understand the reasons for such a request and decide if you truly wish to continue devoting time to the relationship. It is possible that your troubled relationship could be spared with a little space and time apart. 

By Gene Alias   

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